Finding Respect, Purpose, and Growth at Thirty-Ten

I know, O Lord, that Your judgments are fair, and that in faithfulness You have disciplined me. 
O may Your lovingkindness and graciousness comfort me, according to Your word (promise) to Your servant.  Let Your compassion come to me that I may live, For Your law is my delight. (Psalm 119:75-77, AMP)

All of these emotions are running through my mind.  I keep waiting for these feelings to pass, but they continue to be there.   I gravitate towards the psalms for comfort, but still these feelings persist.   Feelings of not being capable or competent enough, as if what I have to contribute isn’t valuable.  At the same time, I know that I AM capable and competent, which leads to emotions of frustration and anger that my comments or contributions are at the least carelessly disregarded and at the worst blatantly disrespected.

I don’t take my words in important conversations lightly.  If I am giving an opinion or observation in a group conversation it has been carefully and thoughtfully done.  These opinions and observations have many years of experiences and studies shaping them.  I don’t throw out random comments, especially when they contain concerns for the needs of others, without having put a lot of time, thought, and/or conversations with other peers into them.

So why do I feel like I am oftentimes chastised or belittled for not being compassionate enough, empathetic enough, positive enough, spiritual enough or educated enough to make these contributions to the conversations?

How do I speak positive affirmations into a conversation while also speaking my truth when necessary?  My life hasn’t been pretty (who’s has been?) and I have dealt with a lot of heavy things throughout it. Sometimes that means my experiences may color my perception and views differently.  Just because someone else’s experiences have been different doesn’t give them the right to disregard how my opinions or views have been formed.

Just to clarify, I don’t believe that I have the only valid and/or right opinions or observations, but at least engage with me respectfully when I offer them.  It isn’t even about right and wrong, but about allowing me to share my thoughts based on my perceptions, and then discuss with me in a conversation about where our views may differ in a way that doesn’t leave me feeling discounted, belittled, or in the wrong.  This is where learning and growth can occur.  I am a curious person and eager to learn new things, thoughts, and perspectives.


At the same time, I am feeling weighed down by exhaustion and fatigue.

Perhaps it is the stress from an overly busy time in my life with work, church, and family responsibilities.  Or it could be the ups and downs and guilt that comes along with parenting.  Most likely, however, it is the fact that I am getting older and starting to see life in a new way.  There is a lacking of willingness to continue on down the old familiar paths just because I have always trod along them for so much of my adult life. My perceptions are changing, my energy levels are changing, what’s important to me in my life is changing, and my self-worth is changing.

No longer do I feel I should hold back in conversations because those around me are older and more experienced.  It is time for me to move into that space of being one of the older persons with valuable life experiences and own it along with my story and all the baggage that comes with it.


It is during these trials in my life that I realize how much I need to depend on strength and direction from God.  At the end of the day, the only one that I need to be accountable to is God.  Am I loving as he would have me love?  Am I trying to live out his will for my life?  If I can answer yes to these questions then I can be content and rest in the arms of our heavenly Father knowing that he will use all of the experiences in my life for good.

This does not give me permission to stay mired down in places of discouragement.  Moving into this next phase of my life is going to require me to evaluate the things I do and the ways that I use my time.

If it is something that is life-sustaining or life-giving it stays, if it is something that is no longer supplying a need or bringing me peace, joy, or contentment then it may need to be changed or left behind completely.  Miring myself down in the things that bring constant frustration distracts me from the important things in my life and drains the time and energy that could otherwise be used for the good things that do fulfill God’s purpose and will for my life.


I think that I have spent much of my adult life wondering what God is calling me to be.  Now I am realizing that I already am what he is calling me to be – and that is His child.   I don’t know if I am discovering this because I am now thirty-ten and re-evaluating where I am at in life or if it is just a lesson that I am finally getting around to learning.  God has made me for good, he has a plan for me, and wants me to thrive.  If something isn’t bringing me calm, joy, peace and a sense of purpose or accomplishment, then perhaps it is time to move on.

It doesn’t change who I am, as my identity isn’t what I do, but it is in Jesus Christ that my identity is found.  Remembering this will hopefully help me to work through these emotions and feelings, make the changes that need to be made, and keep leaning on the courage, strength, and love that God equips each one of us with.

 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control]. (2 Timothy 1:7, AMP)

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Thirty-Ten: Reaching the Middle

Middle age has found me! 

             I can no longer avoid it or hide from it.  No sense in denying it.  This Friday will mark my fortieth birthday.  Someone out there in the cosmos has said they refused to turn forty, instead they are turning thirty-ten.  While clever, it still equates to the same thing.  Youth is over, young adulthood has flown by, and I am now officially entering into the stage of life known as middle age.  And it is okay.

Thinking back over my life so far, I see that I have a lot to be thankful for.  A good marriage that has survived over twenty years and counting.  A healthy son who is now fourteen and entering into high school this fall.  God has been gracious and with a lot of hard work we have overcome most of our financial struggles (including bankruptcy and foreclosure) and have been blessed with a beautiful house that is the perfect place for us to call home. 

The coming years will bring us the frustrations of parenting a teenager, and we expect to have trials and tribulations but we are a family and we will take each trial as it comes.  I think what I am realizing the most is that this is a time of also trying to prepare for the transition from care taker to supporter as our son finishes his high school years and sets out to conquer his own path. 

As my thoughts skip about on the path of yesterday, things I thought would be impossible to recover from we have since recuperated.  A lot has been accomplished as well.  A stable job, an associate degree and most of a bachelor’s degree, leadership programs and intentional discipleship programs.  This blog.    

Do I think that the struggles are over?  Not a chance.  Life happens in living the moments of ordinary days and living is never perfect. 


Thirty-Ten will come with new challenges to take on and I can’t help but look forward to what I hope my life will be and won’t be.  The loss of one of my aunts last summer has made me realize how fleeting our time on earth is, and I don’t want to spend my life at a job that I don’t absolutely love.  Work life shouldn’t be something that we settle for. 

I want to eventually take a new career path that leads me to a place where appreciation is felt and that brings me pleasure daily; to enjoy what I do so that I don’t feel like I am working my life away.  Instead work should be able to be something I am truly passionate about so that each day begins with excitement to start the day’s tasks. 

Recently I was certain God was leading me to this dream position.  There was an opening for a job that seemed to be tailor made for me.  It cobbled together all of the unrelated experiences from the different segments of my personal interests and professional careers.  It was like all of the different puzzle pieces of my life were being put together to create the most beautiful picture of contentment and shalom in a new career direction.  But alas, it was not to be. 

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t distraught to find this out, but I know that the Master of all the puzzle pieces of my life still has a beautiful picture that will be completed for me.  I just have to wait and trust that when the time is right, the doors will open to a new adventure that will take me places I could never even begin to imagine.


This can happen.  History is full of people who were able to change directions and begin careers that were based on their passions, not just getting by.  Many of my own personal heroines appear in this list:

  • Laura Ingalls Wilder – didn’t start writing until her fifties for newspaper columns on farm life and didn’t begin her Little House books until her sixties.
  • Louisa May Alcott – worked as a domestic servant, and then as a nurse during the Civil War and was thirty-six when Little Women was published.
  • Lucille Ball – she had a successful modeling and movie career, but it is her television shows that we remember her for. Lucille was in her forties when she decided to give tv a try with the show I love Lucy.
  • Julia Child – didn’t begin cooking professionally until her late thirties and was forty-nine when her cookbook was published.

Turning forty isn’t the beginning of the end.  It is the beginning of a new and exciting decade of life.  Life lessons from the past free up expectations and constraints for going forward.  I am more content both in myself and with my life. 

Going into the great age of Middle, I choose to focus on my health, my family, and simple pleasures.  Gone are the high ideals of success from my youth. 

Somewhere over the past decade I feel like I lost pieces of myself trying to live up to worldly definitions of success that society has created. I have learned it is more important to focus on being grateful for what I have and where I am than to be constantly hungering for more.

I intend to spend this next decade finding myself again, forgetting who I thought the world wanted me to be, and embracing the person God has created me to be.

Thirty-ten, forty… poTAYto, poTAHto…The middle is here, and with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). 

So I say bring it on!


 I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9, NRSV)