Struggles on the Journey – Page 5

Diary of a Fat Lady: The Battle of the Bulge Journals Begin

May 13, 2015February 3, 2017 Shannon Martin3 Comments

So I am a little chubby. Okay, in reality I am a plus-sized nugget of chubby. Have been that way my entire life. I spend hours obsessing over my appearance and how large I have become and planning in my mind just how exactly I am going to fix that.

And just as soon as I resolve that I am going to eat nothing but salads, a coworker comes around with a box of donuts and all of my resolve flies out the windows that don’t even open…

This has truly been a life-long struggle for me. Year after year I vow to slim down, but instead watch a few pounds come off then watch more pounds creep up and on. I have been losing and regaining the same 20 pounds for the last five years at least.

Many helpful people over the years have tried to encourage me to slim down. I have seen the looks of pity from friends when they are telling me that I am a beautiful person at any size, and the looks of revulsion from people when I am out and about. I have been the girl walking in the mall that the kids walk past and make rude comments to. I have also been the girl who uses self-deprecating humor trying to move attention away from the weight.

If I could only stop feeling so incredibly self-conscious trying to squeeze into seats and behind chairs in dining rooms and conference rooms! Even just walking down our hallway at home can be a tight squeeze if a dog or a gnat is trying to go up the hallway at the same time. Going out in public can be difficult and humiliating at the best of times as facilities continue to shrink the sizes of seats to try pack in more people at one time.

Any sane, healthy person reading this is probably already shaking their head and thinking to themselves that if I put as much energy into trying to loss the weight as I did into writing this, then I would be slim in no time. That is exactly why I am writing this incredibly vulnerable piece about myself and my struggles. I wish it were that easy to lose the weight.

In no way am I going to attempt to make excuses for myself, but I don’t think that my love of pizza and ice cream is greater than that of any other sane human being. I truly do try to watch very closely what I eat. At home we don’t fry anything EVER. I have swapped out baked french fries for baked potatoes, and we have a vegetable and lean-ish or lean meat just about every night of the week. I drink sugar-free drinks or water. Yet the number on the scale continues to climb. It feels like more often than not I am watching what I eat just to maintain my current weight.

If I could only retrain my thought process from a diet mentality to a healthy choices life choices mentality! You name it, and I have tried it. The Diabetic Exchange diet, Weight Watchers points (both online and at meetings), the Mayo Clinic diet, Spark People, Richard Simmons.com, the Dash diet, and then of course the good old-fashioned, count all of the calories you are putting in your mouth diet. My next attempt, will be the South Beach Diet based on the to advice of my OB-GYN doctor. That is if I can find the time to read the book to learn all of the ins and outs of this eating plan.

Another recurring thought that crosses my mind is I need to find better motivations to move more. Over the years I have joined, and then eventually quit, Curves, The Salem Community Center, and Planet Fitness. At different times I have been a regular walker, a sporadic walker, and an every now and again walker. Once upon a time I actually dragged myself out of bed an hour earlier on a regular basis to do a Richard Simmon’s exercise video.

The very real reality is that even if I could muster up the motivation, I don’t know where I can find the time to incorporate a routine exercise schedule. The number one reason why all of the above things fell to the wayside is the lack of time to actually go and utilize those wonderful facilities.

I have been told many times that if it were a priority to me, then I would find the time. Valid point. However, contrary to the thoughts of a very rude doctor I visited once, I don’t spend a lot of time on the couch eating Twinkies. There is very little down time in my days.

Like a lot of the women in my generation, I am a full-time mom with a full-time job outside of my home. Not because I value a career over family, but because it takes both my husband and me working full-time to make ends just barely meet. What that looks like is I spend 45+ hours actually on the job, and another 10 hours commuting each week.

That doesn’t leave a whole lot of free time. By the time I get home, cook dinner for the family, clean up from dinner, and help Max with his homework the evening is pretty well gone. Weekends are spent doing the rest of the household cleaning, running errands, and church activities.

With all of that being written, my climbing weight really is a very big problem for me. I am not alone in this struggle I know. With renewed determination and prayer, this year will be THE year.

Not the year that I lose weight by dieting and exercise, but the year that I learn to love myself as I am, and then learn how to take better care of me. My self-hatred and self loathing are probably the two biggest reasons that I have remained trapped in this bitter battle with yo-yo dieting and weight loss. It is a never-ending, frustrating cycle of negativity.

God loves me exactly as I am. I am enough. I am GOOD enough. And I deserve to cut myself some slack and show my body the same grace that God has shown me in my failings. Focusing on the person I am meant to be on the inside and the outside. I have finally realized that if I am going to be able to love all of great creation, I must first be able to love myself in all of my own successes and failures.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26, NRSV)

And I am inviting you all to come along with me. Your prayers and encouragement are welcome! Every so often I will give a progress report on some more of the struggles and successes that I encounter on this path.

Are you ready to abandon your own self loathing and embrace the you that God has created? The person that he sees and loves?

For it was you who formed my inward parts: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139: 13-15, NRSV)

A Mind In Disarray

May 7, 2015January 13, 2016 Shannon MartinLeave a comment

It has been awhile since this has happened, but tonight I find that I am unable to sleep. I should be passed out in dreamland, but I find myself sitting on the couch at 1:30 am in the morning with a rerun episode of NCIS playing in the background.

The past two days I have been suffering through the usual bout of spring allergy related sinus drainage issues. My doctor has told me that I am chronically allergic to Ohio. So you would think that I would have no trouble achieving a sleeping state.

But I can’t turn my thoughts off and they are going 100 miles per hour.

As I laid in the darkness trying to recover my sleeping state, the frustrations I have been experiencing at work kept playing through my head.

The frustrations are nothing new. A feeling that I am stuck where I am are now is amplified as we are in the process of buying a home. My lack of an actual degree makes me feel that my options are limited for moving on from where I am because we definitely can’t afford for my salary to go backwards at this point. Coupled with the need to replace staff members that have found better opportunities and are moving on, and there is a lot on the work front to weigh down my thoughts.

So in an attempt to quiet my mind I turned to the Lord in prayer.

I asked him to walk with me and lead me as I navigate the stormy waters. And to bring us the right candidates in the interviews that are scheduled over the next few days. And to take me by the hand and guide me to whatever he has in store for me in the future because I just don’t feel that I have arrived at the place he has intended for me yet.

You see, when I went down this career road, I never asked God what his opinion on my choice was. So while I do a good job at what I do, is this really the purpose He intended for me?

However, while I didn’t ask for his guidance then, He won’t abandon me now. After shaking his almighty head at my human folly, he rolled up his sleeves to see how he can use my errant choices to prepare me for what is in store down the road.

These feelings have been intensified in me for the last couple of years. He has been giving me nudges that I have been trying to pursue, so I know that he has exciting plans for me.

So back to my current insomniac condition.

After praying fervently to God, and asking him to give me some guidance or signs that I couldn’t possibly miss, I finally gave up on trying to sleep and made my way out to the couch, the repeat episode, and Facebook.

I have read about people who have prayed for clear answers from God and that in his mercy God has given them undeniably clear signs or answers. While I can see many answered prayers in my life, I can’t say that I have ever felt as if I was receiving clear messages from above.

Until tonight.

After turning on the tv, I immediately fired up the laptop to check in on Facebook, because I was certain that in the time between fitfully going to sleep at 10:00 p.m. and ending up back out on the couch at 1:00 a.m. I had missed something of vital importance on the cosmic social scene. Turns out God uses social media too.

In relatively short order I saw three things that could only have been encouragement from heaven. The first was a post from the Zig Ziglar page:

This post was quickly followed by a Stephen King quote posted by The Writers Circle:

And to finish up these thoughts, a friend shared this picture from The Old Schoolhouse Magazine:

Perhaps it is a little far-fetched that God is using social media to encourage me. It is entirely possible that I am reading too much into simple pictures randomly posted on Facebook. However I am choosing to believe that random posts can be messages from above in direct response to my fitful prayers brought on during moments of sleeplessness.

I serve a loving God who cares about me. He cares about each and every one of his children. Nothing is too vast or great for him. He is the Almighty God that created the universe and you and me. And he cares.

He may not have given me specific directions for how to fix my work situation, but He is with me. I don’t know what God has planned for me down the road, but I do know that He will lead me to the doors that He will be holding open specifically for me.

God has an ultimate plan for my life, and he is holding me in the palm of his hand.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” (Lamentations 3:22-24, NRSV)

Finding the Gate

March 14, 2015January 13, 2016 Shannon MartinLeave a comment

The dust is beginning to settle and another annual conference assembly is in the books. I started out this weekend with great trepidation and it wasn’t without cause.

We fellowshiped together.

We worshipped together.

We felt frustrated with each other.

We continued to ignore some of the elephants in our midst, but identified other elephants.

We built up fences between us.

And then just when all hope seemed to be lost, when deep and permanent fractures seemed to loom on the horizon for the Ohio Mennonite Conference of MC USA, the Holy Spirit moved among us and helped us find a gate that opened in our dividing fence.

We, as a conference, have found a way to draw a line in the sand, but also leave enough space to allow grace and mercy to intercede when needed.

In the midst of emotional highs and lows, some very gifted pastors helped us to remember that we are all different and come from different places, and that is a good thing! While all six pastors that spoke to us delivered wonderful messages that were incredibly timely for the issues we were working on, two of these pastors in particular stuck out and struck deep chords in me.

Pastor Jess Engle started his time with us with a response time. He asked us, “Who is the church?”, to which we all responded, “WE are the church!” He made us look at each other and remember that we are all beloved children of God, not nameless, faceless foes on the other side of the fence.

Another pastor, Jessica Schrock Ringenburg from Zion Mennonite in Archibold, gave an inspired sermon during morning worship that was beyond amazing! Her incredibly powerful message, paraphrased here, reminded us that:

Paul spent his time writing letters. Letters to the early churches that were struggling in very similar ways to our churches today. Each of those letters was about the same thing, addressing the various issues that were arising in those congregations. The Gentile/Greek Christians who valued freedom and spirit leading that were at odds with the Jewish Christians who valued traditions and laws. Just like us today, each of those groups thought that they had the market cornered on doing church the right way. Their way. Both sides wanted Paul to champion their way, but Paul picks neither as the right way. He consistently remind them,that the only right way is the way of the cross. Two thousand years later that hasn’t changed.

Church, and how we do church, is a very personal thing to each of us. Just as we are all inherently different, no two people have the same exact idea of what it is we need to do in order to be the church together. But Jesus showed us exactly how to be church together. It is not the Church of Us. It is not the Church of Them. We are the church and the right way to be church together is to go the way of the cross.

Our pastors can rest easy with the blessed assurance that our conference is standing behind them. Our leadership now has some clear action steps to take. Only the Holy Spirit working among us could have stemmed the tide of destruction we were heading for as a conference.

Our work has only just begun.

We must now dig in and work diligently with each other as we continue to work through the remaining elephants in the room. But won’t it be so much easier to extend hospitality to those elephants now that we have a gate which they can walk through?

Because of the gate, we can now move forward together.

Praise God, who is good!

Showing Hospitality to Elephants

March 14, 2015January 13, 2016 Shannon Martin1 Comment

As the arctic air subsides and the frozen tundra known as North East Ohio begins to thaw we start to look for the first signs of spring. For me, one of those signs that spring is upon us takes the shape of the Annual Conference Assembly of the Ohio Mennonite Conference of the Mennonite Church USA.

The past year has taken a toll on our conference and it was with some feelings of trepidation that I set out with our group from Midway this morning to drive to Martins Creek Mennonite located in Millersburg, Ohio. The somber air of the business sessions that took place today are a testament to all of the issues that are currently circulating, as we all try to ignore the elephant in the room that has become a regular member of our assembly.

There are some spaces at our round tables that are now permanently empty because the unrest and turmoil has led some of our congregations to decide to leave our conference over polity issues. Their exodus has left a gaping wound that many of us are still trying to understand and seems to be at odds with the scripture theme that was chosen for this assembly, love and hospitality, which is found in Romans 12: 9-13:

Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints; extend hospitality to strangers. (NRSV)

The lighter moods of past assemblies have vanished. In their place is a thick blanket of tension that is hanging in the air, making it hard to articulate intelligent conversations that are open and honest during our table discussions. The atmosphere of grace and love that characterized the conversations that took place at the special delegate session last August is nowhere to be found.

Further frustrations are being caused by the presence of talking pieces (TP), new to the tables this year, that limit each person to talking for just one minute at a time. You may only speak when you are physically holding the TP. Perhaps the intention of including this new circle table format was an effort to ensure everyone had a chance to speak, but the reality of it is that it is hampering the flow of discussion. It is also shifting our focus each time we have to stop and wait for the TP to be transferred to the next person with something to share, preventing real conversations from taking place.

We are stepping on the sacred toes of group discernment which is a key hallmark of our Anabaptist beliefs, and what sets us apart from our Catholic and Protestant sisters and brothers.

The resolution that has been brought to the table, that is supposed to help calm the tensions caused by the decision by Mountain States Conference to license a pastor in a committed same sex relationship, still lacks the clarity that we as delegates keep seeking. It is all well and good to say that we affirm Article 19 of the Confession of Faith in a Mennonite Perspective, which is one of the governing books that contains the articles of what we as Mennonites believe together. However, if we don’t draw a clear line in the sand, how can we say that we are affirming it? The ambiguity created by this lack of a clear stand makes it impossible to determine what the appropriate sanctions should be for pastors and/or congregations that step across the line.

In addition, the lack of clarity makes it hard for our pastors to make decisions within their own congregations. How can they make a stand on one side of the line or the other if they don’t have feel like they have the full support at the state conference level to back them up? This current haze is leaving our pastors partially crippled in their duties instead of bolstering them up as they go about their kingdom work.

By the end of the second business session it felt to me as if there was a growing distrust for the leadership in general. The delegates and their congregations are having a hard time trusting that the leadership of Ohio Conference will lead us in the direction that the majority of our congregations have clearly stated we want to go.

At the same time, the leadership seems to be nervous about losing more congregations. They are trying in every way possible to find out if any more of the remaining congregations are on the verge of leaving the conference. This is causing, in my opinion, the leadership to lose focus of the important polity matters at hand during this assembly. They are focusing instead on the resources they provide for congregations. What they provide is very important to help each individual congregation achieve the good works they are persuing, but it doesn’t feel like this is the right time and place to be discussing those resources.

One of the things that I have always appreciated about the annual conference assembly is the variety of ways and styles of worship we see as we all gather to worship together. We embrace and celebrate the various ways we see our sisters and brothers of the Ohio Mennonite Conference preaching, teaching, and worshiping in song. We give thanks for all of the different Spirit filled ways we see people being led. I come away from those experiences refreshed and renewed with fresh fuel for the fire that is burning in my soul to do my part to help spread the love of God.

How do we figure out a way to convert that openness and acceptance we have for the different worship styles among us into how we enter into the conversations that need to be going on during the business sessions? If we can bridge this gap we might finally be able to not only address that elephant that has been with us during our sessions this past year, but actually start to extend some of that hospitality to the elephant and begin to move forward. Until we can extend that hospitality to the elephant, we will never be able to come together to dig in and to do the work that is at hand.

We live in a broker world that seems to be getting darker and more evil with each passing day. It is up to us to come together and to discern a clear path for our denomination which will in turn direct our future. We are responsible for sowing the seeds of the kingdom. Let us come together in love and fearlessly let the Holy Spirit move among us to facilitate our conversations and to direct our path as a body of believers.

So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up. So then, whenever we have a opportunity let us work for the good of all, and especially for those of the family of faith. (Galatians 6: 9-11, NRSV)

Falling Down

February 11, 2015January 13, 2016 Shannon MartinLeave a comment

Lately I have been struggling more than usual on this journey called life. I have been finding myself filled with the bitterness of disappointments and wallowing in despair about life in general. Last week all of that yuckiness built up to an all time high and situations at work allowed those feeling to implode leaving me an emotional and stressed out wreck.

Last night I attended the Winter Cluster meeting for the Ohio Conference of Mennonite Church USA for our region. During the devotional time, Regional Pastor Ralph Reinford, talked about seasons and the different seasons of life. He went on to say that no matter what the season is, it will always pass and change to another season.

That made me reflect on what I have been experiencing lately and it filled me with new hope. I have been going through a season of frustrations, and it too shall pass.

At home we have been dealing with the changing moods and attitudes of our eleven year old son, Max. I would voluntarily go back to the terrible twos! In addition to the changing family dynamics, impatience with our finances has me chomping at the bit to FINALLY purchase our own home. We are so very close!

On the church front there are the usual issues that come up while serving in a small congregation. Changes are being made either too quickly or too slowly, depending upon who is asked. Couple that with the polity issues that are happening around the larger Mennonite denomination as a whole, and there is a recipe for instant frustration.

Then there is the guilty frustrations that come when you have new dreams that you can’t quite seem to make happen. I want to embrace this dream of writing and run with it. Unfortunately reality doesn’t agree with my agenda at the moment. It has been incredibly hard to find the time to write regular blog posts, let alone focus on other areas of this dream. I would like to find the time to learn more about the craft of writing to improve my new-found skills. There is also an impatience because I feel so strongly that God has been calling me to this but I don’t know what more I need to be doing with this gift. Should I be focusing on magazine articles? Is it a book that I need to write? Fiction or Nonfiction?

However, it is the stresses I have been experiencing at work that were the final straws on the proverbial camel’s back that broke me last week and pushed my frustration level to the moon and back. By Friday afternoon I felt utterly disrespected and disillusioned. The sting of betrayal from a superior was more than I could bear and the blindness of the said supervisor that allowed the perceptions of another employee to take precedence over my proven track record of integrity and team work was like salt to the wounds.

I went home for the weekend belittled, indignant, and hurt. Hard work should be the stick we are measured by, not whether we have a degree or what gender we are or what the opinions of other are, right? Why is this happening?

Monday morning rolled around. Leaving the safe shelter of my home to go to work was incredibly difficult. The events of last week still plagued my troubled soul and The Dixie Chicks song Not Ready To Make Nice was playing in my head. I quietly hid in my office for most of the day still seething internally.

I had heard a Proverbs 31 Ministry Moment on the radio on my way to work that said if I wanted God to fight my battles for me then I need to ask him to do that. When I laid down my head to go to sleep Monday night that thought was bouncing around in my head.

I spent a very restless night and eventually woke up around 3:00 am. By 4:30 am I gave up on trying to sleep and decided to get up and spend some extra time with God in his word. I was looking for his comfort and some answers.

By the time I picked up my Bible I had concluded that I can’t change people’s perspectives about me. I had also decided that if someone labels you as “difficult” it is not because you actually are, but because they just don’t want to hear what you have to say. And that is okay because it is their problem and not mine. They must be insecure or stubborn, and they are afraid of what might happen if what you have to say brings about a change.

I was looking for a battle plan. Something I could use to fix the injustices. So I looked to a Psalm that has helped me in the past. In Psalm 25, David is asking for guidance and deliverance from his enemies:

To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust; do not let me be put to shame; do not let my enemies exult over me. Do not let those who wait for you be put to shame; Let them be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all day long.

Be mindful of your mercy, O Lord, and of your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for your goodness’ sake, O Lord!

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his decrees.

For your name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great. Who are they that fear the Lord? He will teach them the way that they should choose.

They will abide in prosperity, and their children shall possess the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes his covenant known to them. My eyes are ever towards the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart, and bring me out of my distress. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.

Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. O guard my life, and deliver me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.

Redeem Israel, O God, out of all its troubles. (NRSV)

Revelation! A flash of insight popped into my head — I am just as much to blame for difficulties I encounter and the frustrations that I am feeling if I don’t trust in the Lord with all my heart. My reluctance to let go and let God lead me through my day has created an opening of bitterness that the Devil is waiting to use to thwart my purposes. This impatience on my part is what is truly causing my unsettled mind! I can’t help how others act or change their perceptions and assumptions about me and I don’t need to.

I need to humble myself and allow Yahweh to lead me. He will guide me along the right paths and he will fight any battles for me. I just need to ask him to be my defender. Then I need to allow him to actually lead me gracefully from season to season.

Tuesday morning looked a lot different in comparison to Monday. A humble Pixie left for work and I started off the day by reading again Psalm 25 out loud at my desk before beginning the days tasks. For the first time in days I could feel a calm and peace descending over me.

Today I ran across Jeremiah 17:7-8 and I am convinced that it is Yahweh telling me that I am on the right path as long as I continue to trust EVERYTHING to him:

Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. They shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and its leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit. (NRSV)

These two pieces of scripture from the Old Testament are going to be my mantra, at work especially, going forward. I have printed both passages out and they are now taped on my wall right next to my desk. When I arrive each morning I will be using these passages as prayers to help me center myself for the day and to help set my tone and attitude. It is also handy to have them right next to me as I work through the day. I can quickly glance over and re-humble myself to continue on with strength, grace, and integrity.

We all fall down. It is up to us to choose to trust in the Lord and let him help us get back up, or to give a victory to the evil tempter by staying knocked down to dwell on things we can’t change and that are out of our control. No matter what, though, the love and mercy of our heavenly Father is always available to us. Whether we start over right now, tomorrow, or next month, it is never to late to get back up.

It doesn’t matter how many times we fall down either. He will always surround us with his love and help us pick up the pieces and start again. Every. Single. Time.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23, NRSV)