Category: Struggles on the Journey

Today was a rare day in my life.  I had absolutely nowhere to go and no commitments to keep.  Which should be a good thing.  A relaxing day of well deserved rest.  Except it isn’t.  It is days like these that I realize why I over commit myself the way I do.

It is true that I am a people pleaser, but the bigger reason I get involved in so much is because I hate being alone.  Which is how I find myself often.  All alone.  So I volunteer for any and everything in the hopes of finding some company.

Now, to be honest, I haven’t been completely by myself today.  There is always the eleven year old son to keep me company.  But no adult company.  I live a pretty solitary existence.

In general I believe that I am a fairly social creature, and believe that I am a funny person.  I try to get along well with others.  Yet somehow those special friendships that I see on tv and read about and observe around me seem to elude me.

I have also observed that sometimes the company one keeps comes from within their own families.  I also seem to have missed the boat on that as well.  Not sure if it is the difference in age between myself and my siblings on my mother’s side, or my distance and separate childhood from my father’s family, but I am not finding the human connections that I am seeking with kinfolk.

In my desperation to achieve the semblence of friendships I have very often allowed myself to be used by others.  I have put up with their criticisms of everything that makes me be me and tried to change myself to conform to what they thought I should be, all in the pursuit of having some company.  Being condemned in company has to be better than condemning myself alone, right?

Scenes of cozy card games and coffee dates dance in my head.  Visions of girls nights out at the movies and book discussions prance through my mind.  However I guess that just isn’t in the cards for me.

Periods of the blues have plagued me over the years.  I wonder what it is about me that makes people stay away.  What is wrong with me?  There has to be something about me that keeps people at bay.

So I turn to prayer and motivational books trying to find my purpose in life.  I read things that tell me if I find my identity in God then I will never be alone.  Another school of thought tells me that if I can just learn to enjoy my own company I will never be alone.

Honestly?  I want to be a positive person.  I truly believe that God has a plan for each of us.  I am just not certain that he wants us to walk alone all the time.

This post seems to contain the word “I” an awful lot.  Does that mean that I am too focused on myself?  How do I shift that focus to use it for something good and glorifying to God?

I don’t know what it does or doesn’t mean, but I do know that something has to change.  To start with, I need to scale back my commitments.  My pursuit of fellowship by any means necessary is leaving me exhausted and broken.

Secondly, I am going to have to find a way to cheerfully cope with the fact that people do not seek out my company.  I need to accept the fact that the only telephone calls I receive are from the church prayer hotline, my husband, and my mother.

Thirdly, I need to improve my outlook on life.  It is never easy.  Some days the struggles and disappointments overwhelm me.  I need to learn, really truly learn, how to let go and let God handle things in those moments.  I try to fix everything that is wrong and end up crumbling under the weight of trying to constantly go it alone.

Today I am sending up prayers to my Father in heaven for his love, guidance, and protection.  Surely all of this whirling around in my head, the feelings of insecurity and of being alone, are well placed darts being hurled at me by Satan.  His aim is flawless.  He hits his mark each and every time.

Loving God, please take my hand and surround me in your love today.  Help me to release my internal struggles and pains to you.  Teach me to lean on you more and my own understanding less.  Amen.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:29-30, NRSV)

The pictures that played in my head as I decided that the nudges I had been feeling (and continue to feel) where wonderful visions with happy endings straight out of a Hallmark Channel movie.  I envisioned my words bringing comfort to others struggling on their journeys.  God wants ME to share what is in my heart and my experiences with others to encourage them!  Show others that with God all things are possible and we can overcome anything.  Just look at me!

And that is exactly what I am doing today.  Looking at myself.  Humbling myself.  Unfortunately I don’t think I qualify for the role of encourager of others.  I am not even an encouragement to myself.   So maybe as usual I confused the messages I was getting.  I am not supposed to be a light to you, but have you walk with me as I continue to flounder trying to figure out this thing called life.

Have you ever felt like you are caught in the middle of a perfect storm and the winds aren’t letting up?  That is me.  After years of being married, with both of us working full-time jobs, we still struggle just to get by.  There are no savings accounts or investments, very rarely do we splurge on expensive extras (like a massage or new bath towels), and we do not live the American dream in a home that we own.

In fact it is the very opposite.  We are renters living in a tiny trailer that is older than both of us.  That is what the fruits of our hard labors have afforded us.  Fortunately we seem to be able to pay our regular monthly bills on time these days (in the past that hasn’t been the case), but there are definitely no extras of any kind.  My student loan debts, taken on under the delusion that my schooling would result in a better tax bracket for us, are constantly looming over our heads.

Drowning in my sorrows sometimes can overshadow me for a couple of days at a time.  I wouldn’t say that I am depressed and can’t cope, just down trodden and struggling to find the hidden blessings because I am too busy desperately trying to find a light at the end of this never-ending tunnel.

It never fails.  Just when I believe we are on the cusp of gaining at least a piece of security I am swallowed in the storm clouds again.  Once upon a time we owned a home, but a six month period of unemployment caused us to lose everything in bankruptcy and we have spent the past ten years trying to recover from that.  Last week it seemed like dreams of owning a well-built, comfortable home might soon be a possibility for us again with the help of the Rural Housing program through the USDA.  This week that dream is once again threatened.  I found out that the portion of my student loans that have been in voluntary forbearance are once again going to go into repayment, and the monthly payment amount is more than the amount of what the mortgage payment would be on the little house we had set our sights on.  What’s more, I have exhausted my forbearance, and going forward the loans are no longer eligible for voluntary forbearance.

Granted, in the grand scheme of things, my troubles are small.  I am fortunate to live in a country with religious freedom where I am not persecuted and can provide food, clothing, and shelter to my child.   I do give thanks for all of the blessings I have received in my life.  I really do have a lot to be thankful for and remind myself often.  However, in the midst of fighting to survive pay check to pay check I am swept away and overwhelmed.  To paraphrase from Anne of Green Gables, I am drowning in the depths of despair.  I need a Marilla in my life to remind me that to despair is to turn my back on God, so therefore I should not indulge myself in sulking.

Today I read as part of my morning routine the daily devotion emailed to me by Proverbs 31 Ministries.  It was written by Lysa TerKeurst and entitled If You Ever Feel Lonely, Read This.  I must admit that I could identify whole heartedly and see myself in this post.  I often feel alone, and sometimes even lost in a crowd, especially when I am struggling with the latest saga in trying to find a secure financial path for us.  Whether it is a family gathering, a work event, or a church function I can feel oblivious and totally without friends in a room filled with people.  Below is the link for this devotion if you are in need of it today as well.

Proverbs 31 Ministries Daily Devotion – If You Ever Feel Lonely, Read This by Lysa TerKeurst

Perhaps what most grabbed me, besides being able to identify with these feelings, was the verse Lysa chose to begin her post with (below from a different translation) that I had never really noticed before.  I ache with the Psalmist, seeking the same relief from my own inner turmoil.  All these ages later, that cry is the cry of my heart today.  I am seeking comfort from the ultimate Comforter and grasping to cling to hope and stand strong in my faith as my world seems to be in chaos again.

So perhaps what is on my heart for you today, my dear friends, is to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles.  We are all going through our own set of troubles.  In the midst of these storms of life, I am here, praying for you as you row through the crashing waves.  Sometimes we just need to know someone is thinking about us to help us press onward, and remember that God never leaves us.  We are never truly alone if we live our lives with the help of our Father’s guiding hands.  He will captain our ships as we sail through each storm and find calm waters.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  Relieve the troubles of my heart, and bring me out of distress. (Psalms 25: 16-17 – NRSV)

 

 

Good-bye.  These two words that we utter together daily as we go about our lives slip glibly off our tongues.  We say it as we leave our houses each morning to go to work or school.  We say it again to coworkers before heading home.  We say it casually when we take our leave from places.  It is a common place expression.  We never think about it because it has become an automatic phrase on our lips.

This simple little expression seems harmless enough, but it can be the most painful words you ever utter.  Some of the darkest days we experience on this journey through life are the ones in which we say good-bye and it is permanent and final.

Good-bye changes us forever.  We lose a piece of ourselves that we never get back.  Loved ones pass away, leaving us with only the memories of the all the special things about them that are tucked away in our hearts.  Friends move away, and you never quite recover from the hurt caused by their departure.

We comfort ourselves and each other by saying things like, “they are in a better place”, or, “at least there isn’t any more pain for them”.  Whether the permanence of a move, or the finality of death, you never quite recover from the ache caused by the loss of family and cherished friends.

I wonder if we even realize what it is we are actually saying.  It is more than just an expression used to say that we are parting.  If you were to look up good-bye in Webster’s dictionary you may be surprised.  The origin of this expression is God be with you. 

As this was sinking into my brain I began to realize just how awesome this is!  Despite the emotional pain we experience as part of the human condition, we are actually expressing the wish of the ultimate joy of being in the presence of God for the person that is moving on.  Is there anything more wonderful than going home?

Good-bye is really us committing our loved ones and friends into the hands of our loving Father in heaven who loves us infinitely more than we can ever love each other.  So maybe good-bye isn’t permanent after all. Instead it is the embodiment of hope expressed in words.   It is just “so long untill we meet again in our Father’s house.”

Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Believe in God, believe also in me.  In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places.  If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also.  And you know the way to the place where I am going. (John 14:1-4, NSRV)

Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old.  I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

(Isaiah 43: 18-19, NRSV)

 

Since the dawn of creation, beginning with Adam and Eve, people have hated change.  Perhaps the opening of our eyes with the original sin has caused us to fear change, sometimes more than anything else.  No change could ever be greater than going from living a life in perfect harmony with our heavenly father, to living a life of darkness and pain cast away from him.

I think that to many of us change means we are relinquishing our control over a situation or thing, possibly leaving our dreams and ambitions hanging in the balance, unable to help influence what will come next.  Above all else we seek to be in control;  in control of our finances, in control of our health, in control of our emotions, in control of our destinies.  It takes a great deal of trust before we are willing to allow others to even get a glimpse into these areas of our lives, let alone give them the power to make decisions on those things for us.

Along with losing control, we fear the unknown that comes with change.  We are happiest when the road before us is stretching out in a flat, straight line so that we can see ahead of us for miles into the distance and can clearly see what is coming at us.  Of course the weather as we are traveling on that road with perfect visibility is pleasant and full of good light and sunshine.  What lies around the sudden bend we come upon makes us hesitate, possibly even put the brakes on and come to a complete stop, unwilling to drive around that bend.  We fear what is to come because we can’t see what is waiting on the other side of the bend and have no idea how we will need to react to it.

Sometimes we continue on in the same patterns, living our lives as we always have, because it is just more comfortable and familiar.  It is the reason we hang onto favorite shirts or pairs of jeans that have long since faded and started to fray.  We are willing to still wear these garments, despite the weaker material and holes that are coming through, because we are creatures of habit and we like the way they fit us.  We hesitate to get rid of these items for fear that we will never have it this comfortable again.  So we live with the holes, content to not wonder about what we are missing if we were to slip into something new.

For the past several months I have struggled, knowing that I need to make some changes in my schedule that will free me up to more fully pursue my writings.  The only way this is going to happen is if I step away from something else but  I have been unwilling to let anything go.  It isn’t an option to stop going to my regular job, as Max likes having a roof over his head and food on the table, and for some reason he thinks that food should appear on the table several times a day every single day!  So the areas in my life that I need to make changes in will have to come from my hours after work, a lot of which have been taken up with church commitments the past four years or so.

It finally hit me why I am so reluctant to let any of these things go. It is not because I don’t trust in God to show me the way to go on  a new path, not because I am afraid of the unknown, not because it is more comfortable to stay put, but because I don’t won’t to let go of the tasks that have memories of people attached to them.  I have worked with some gifted and talented people who have mentored me along my way.  Through their mentoring I have learned a lot about myself, developed a deeper relationship with God, and learned the pure joy that it is to help lead God’s children into worship.  In a way,  I have been very reluctant to give up pieces of the ministries that I have helped with over the last few years because hanging onto them helped me hang onto the good memories of friendships made while I served.

So having realized what was tripping me up, I once more prayed for guidance on what to let go and what to take on.  Knowing what my hang ups and reluctance were coming from it made it a whole lot easier to hear the answers coming from my ever-present cheerleader above.  Decisions have finally been made and time to write is on my horizon!  With each new step I take I am feeling his calming presence, and my soul is filled with peace.  People will come and go in this life, but there is One who will be by my side every step of the way.

And he will hold my hand and continue to guide me, one change at a time.