Struggles on the Journey – Page 4

The Littlest Things

January 16, 2016January 16, 2016 Shannon MartinLeave a comment

I realized something startling about myself tonight.

For years it has been a running joke that I don’t get the mail in the mailbox until the poor thing is so crammed full that it is literally vomiting pieces of mail. Or the mail person has lost patience with me and stopped my mail service all together requiring me to make a trip to the post office to get the massive piles of accumulated mail with our names on it.

I have come up with various reasons, ahem, excuses, for this over the years that have always been readily accepted:

It isn’t a priority for me because all of our bills come electronically so the only thing in there is junk mail
I am so busy I forget
I get home so late that it is already dark so I don’t stop at the box
I get home and have to immediately start supper if we want to eat before midnight

Our address has changed but the excuses have not. I have been just as “forgetful” getting the mail out of our mailbox at our new address as I was at our previous address of eight years. I have been very grateful to this new post person that anytime I order packages they have been very considerate and placed them on my porch.

However, today I was expecting my latest package from Amazon with the required books for my January Fellow’s reading. Faithfully all day long I have kept a watchful eye on the porch. Books are my precious friends, and as it has been a delightful winter mix of precipitation today, I wanted to retrieve them from the porch as soon as possible.

The package never showed up on the porch.

So I hemmed and hawed and finally realized the package must have been small enough to fit in the box.

I was going to have to get the mail.

The very thought of this filled me with dread.

I realized as I walked through the cold winter mist towards the mail box in the fading daylight that I was terrified to get the mail. In fact, I have been afraid to get the mail for several years now. To the point of feeling sick.

Why on earth would a person be afraid to get the mail?

Because this particular person and her husband went through years of financial struggles. The mailbox became a place of bad news. Bills that were past due on an income that couldn’t get caught up.

It is no secret that we have always lived very pay check to pay check. We would just barely get by. We would occasionally rob Peter to pay Paul. But we got by.

Until the day thirteen years ago when my husband, through no fault of his own, lost his job.

We had no savings.

I still had my job, but it was nowhere near enough to cover our monthly expenses. We got behind on car payments and mortgage payments. By the time another job was found six months had passed. There was no catching up.

So we filed bankruptcy. The kind where you still get to keep everything while catching up.

Then we had a baby.

Our already stretched thin income became even thinner with the new expenses of daycare. We never truly recovered from the months my husband was unemployed. We had no choice left but to file for bankruptcy again. This time is was the big one.

We lost our house.

Even then, we still had a very rough road. We had bad credit for several years. Our income didn’t quickly increase and our expenses didn’t go down. We didn’t have a mortgage anymore, but we still had to pay rent.

Fortunately, ten years later, our financial picture is much brighter. Through hard work and divine leading our income has gradually increased. God has been very faithful to us and has continued to bless us abundantly.

This past August we FINALLY were able to purchase a home! Through out the entire process that began back in April of 2015 we could see the hand of Providence moving. He ironed out all the details and has provided for us the perfect house to make our home in.

For the first time ever we can comfortably pay our monthly expenses and actually have a little something left over at the end of the month.

But I am still afraid of getting the mail.

It struck me as I was taking that cold brisk walk down our driveway.

No matter how much we know and believe that God will provide for us, Satan still has the ability to zero in on that insecurity in me. He continues to exploit on my fears and by doing so is distracting me from all the wonderful ways God has provided for us over the years.

And God will continue to provide for us.

I would like to say that this realization has cured me and that I will once more get the mail everyday like a normal person. That is my intention. But the seeds of doubt and fear that the devil sows in us can be very powerful things.

It is going to take me being very intentional about not letting those words of fear be whispered into my ears. It sounds like such a little trivial thing to get the mail. And that my friends is the whole point here.

Satan steals our confidence and robs us of our joy in being the chosen children of our most holy God with the small everyday things.

I refuse to allow him to win this battle anymore. The war has already been fought and won.

Jesus Christ conquered this world and took authority away from Satan on the cross.

He has redeemed me.

No more shame.

No more anxiety.

No more worries.

I am a beloved child of God.

I am enough.

And I will joyfully get my mail every day.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” -Deuteronomy 31:8 (NRSV)

Stalled in Dreamland

December 21, 2015September 21, 2017 Shannon Martin1 Comment

As it t’is the season to be in reflection, I have been finding my reflections coming back to my work life often this year.

I have what would be considered a good job, and I am very thankful and grateful to be gainfully employed. However, I don’t believe that accounting work is where my true passions lie.

So I have been trying to figure out what brings me joy. What fills me with excitement? While I haven’t hit on the answer yet, it would seem that something a little more creative than balancing debits and credits is what I am looking for.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the forensic aspects of my accounting role and it can be very exciting when finding the proverbial needle in a haystack on the financial reports. There is also something right in the feeling of tying things out to find everything balances correctly.

But my poor brain keeps screaming at me, “There has got to be something more than this!” Did I miss my calling completely, or can I still find that calling in my present and future?

This got me to thinking. Does my calling and passion necessarily have to be fulfilled in the employment area of my life? Or is it enough to go to work Monday through Friday and do work that I excel in and then spend my off hours following those hopes and dreams that open up more creative avenues for me?

Maybe in this modern-day and age we as a society have put so much emphasis on following our dreams that we have made ourselves discontent to put in an honest day’s work. I think that I have tricked myself into being dissatisfied.

Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done for the Lord and not for your masters,since you know that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you serve the Lord Christ (Colossians 3:23-24, NRSV).

God has blessed me with a keen mind for numbers and logic AND a brain that loves to learn and write and study. I also enjoy crafting and knitting project. God has blessed me and gifted me in many ways.

Is one gifting better than another?

So perhaps I should not be focusing on what I am not doing and spend a little more time in being grateful for all of the doors that God has opened up for me using my gifts of logic, accounting, and project management skills. Perhaps work satisfaction doesn’t come from being in the perfect dream life I envision. Maybe, just maybe, it come from adopting that attitude of gratitude.

So as often happens, when I started this post I was bent on expressing my woes over being “stuck”. I really never know what directions my words will end up taking me. That is a gift in itself! Yahweh seems to have this way of giving me the guidance I need most through my own words!

Our God is a gracious, loving, and merciful God. He has created each of us for a specific purpose. His purpose. Not our purposes. We need to let go and listen to his voice as he leads us down our paths each day.

So maybe at one point in time I wanted to be a teacher, but life, and God, have taken me down a different road. Who knows what lies ahead. We never know when there will be bumps, bends, twists, or forks in the road of life. But God does. He is navigating these road with us, walking with us every step of the way.

Hopefully I can grab hold of this new perspective and run with it. Coming to work each day and handling each new challenge with focus and determination rather than with discontent.

At the same time, I am also going to grasp onto those creative aspects of my life that are filling me with great joy at this time. Writing has opened new doors for me. I have been blessed to write this blog for over a year now and have had one article published in The Mennonite. New opportunities for using my gifts of teaching may be waiting just around the bend.

This advent the landscape of my life looks vastly different from what it looked like a year ago, and no doubt will look entirely different at this time next year.

God and his love are constant. No matter where we are on the road of life, he is our constant navigator.

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope (Jeremiah 29:11, NRSV).

Advent Anguish and A World Lost in the Darkness

December 9, 2015December 23, 2016 Shannon MartinLeave a comment

Advent is here and halfway gone at this point. Two candles are burning tonight as we do our family reading. The flames dancing a beautiful and joyful dance as my boys pay rapt attention to the words that I am reading eager to find Christ in our Christmas season.

This year I am feeling in a new way the pain and confusion and fear that the occupied children of Israel felt all those years ago as they longed for the Messiah to come. Hysteria and distrust and division are running rampant here in our country and around our world.

Neighbor is judging neighbor and vice versa.

Liberals are judging conservatives and vice versa.

Caucasians are judging African-Americans and vice versa.

Church goer is judging a church goer of another denomination and vice versa.

Christians are judging non-Christians and vice versa.

Christians are judging Muslims and vice versa.

And all of this judging is leading to mass chaos and confusion and fear. We fear what we can’t see or what we can’t understand. But we are to busy judging everything and everybody that we aren’t taking the time to understand and embrace our differences. We are so convinced that our ways are the only right ways. The only intelligent ways. The only logical ways.

And we struggle on together sinking further into darkness. Satan is dancing in glee as he watches us tear each other apart.

We all want to know all the reasons and have all of the answers for all of the problems in our lives, work places, churches, communities, schools, countries — the list is endless. We forget that we don’t understand the ways in which God moves in the world or that it just isn’t possible for us to always understand why something has happened. We have to have faith and trust God to work through us to reach the lost. Only he can bring about changes in the hearts of people:

Seek the Lord while he may be found,
    call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake their way,
    and the unrighteous their thoughts;
let them return to the Lord, that he may have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:6-9 (NRSV)

I am learning to try to let go and let God. No changes come that he isn’t behind. It really isn’t my place to judge anyone. Just as it isn’t my place to have all the answers to all of the world’s problems.

I am a sinner too. My sins are most likely different sins and a combination of things unique to my brokeness, but sin is sin. We all have a sinful human nature. The only fix for that is to accept God’s gift of costly saving grace and to give him thanks and praise for it. In return we need to learn how to live in obedience to his will and with a humble heart.

And we are called to LOVE.

But there is just so much hate.

So much anger.

So much fear.

So much rage.

And my soul is suffocating…

I have seriously been contemplating a Facebook fast because all of the hate and anger and fear that is showing up all over my news feeds. It is so overpowering and oppressive. It physically hurts me to see all of the nastiness and the lack of any compassion or empathy for anyone anywhere. This season of joy has felt anything but joyful.

The world isn’t black and white.

It isn’t us against them.

It isn’t Christian or Muslim.

It is all of it. It is Christian and Muslim, and Hindu, and Aethiest, and Anarchist and a hundred other kinds of unique value systems.

It is a swirl of greys with all the rainbows of diversity mixed in and as long as we as humans refuse to look into the swirls we are going to continue to descend into ever darkening chaos! Have we learned nothing in all this time that the world has been turning? Violence begets violence, and may bring about a temporary cease-fire. Peace brought about by violence doesn’t last. Perhaps it is time to look at the third way that we learn from the baby who was born to save us and grew to into the sacrifical lamb who became our Savior.

We are not the new Israel. Even if we discerned that we were, Jesus brought love to temper the law of the Old Testament. Is there genocide and massive killing and destruction in the Bible? Yes there is, but there are many more instances when the children of Israel trusted in Yahweh to fight their battles for them. And he did just that.

With pestilence to hinder and weaken the enemy.

With confusion for the enemy.

With a boy who would be King who won an entire battle by taking down just one soldier, not an entire army, let alone a nation of people.

With his mighty angel armies.

Even though I keep considering a Facebook fast, it hasn’t happened yet. I noticed a conversation on a post yesterday and added a comment which I think is fitting to end this as well:

We as the Christian church in America, regardless of the denomination, have all forgotten that Jesus overturned everything with his commands to LOVE – friends AND enemies. We as a society have got to learn that we can love each other as human beings without accepting all of the actions and/or beliefs of others. We can show mercy and love and compassion to each other. We don’t have to “fix” everyone so that they think and believe just like us. That is the work of God with the Holy Spirit and is done in his own time. We are simply called to love as the hands and feet of God as he calls us to move and work for his Kingdom. A watered down version of his very radical and powerful lesson I know. Tolerance has become a twisted version of itself and more or less seems to be ceasing to exist.

“True tolerance is not a total lack of judgement. It’s knowing what should be tolerated, and refusing to tolerate that which shouldn’t.” – Chuck Colson

Making Sense of Darkness

November 14, 2015January 13, 2016 Shannon MartinLeave a comment

Today as we add filters of the French flag to our Facebook profile pictures, we read with horror all of the emerging details of the horrific attacks in Paris yesterday. We struggle to make sense of it all, and as humans we sometimes begin to question where was God? How could he let this happen? The simplest answer to this question is we just don’t know.

This made me recall a poem written by Grandpa Eber that I included in a post called It Is Good – Eber’s Legacy back in August of 2014. As we continue to pray for the people of Paris and all of the families affected and in need of healing, take a moment to glean some comfort from the word of this dear departed gentleman in the following excerpt from that post :

It Is Good…..God Called It So

How could God be so remiss

To put us in a world like this?

This world is evil, of little worth,

We’ve heard this said about the earth.

Why put us in this evil place,

Did this show lack of grace?

This we endure, it is our curse,

We think that nothing could be worse.

Are His motives then suspect?

Such thoughts we quickly should reject

If we remember as we should.

He formed the world, then called it good.

Goodness we should contemplate,

It shows His care and love so great;

Sunrise and sunset, sky so bright,

He gives us light, for he is Light.

He gives us such joys to bless our days,

We should respond with love and praise;

Created things we now applaud

And worship the Creator God.

When time shall end, He’ll show us more,

Still greater things He holds in store;

Then we will finally understand

This is what he always planned.

How did Eber know the world would look so hopeless just three short years after his death? Christians are being exterminated in Iraq and other places, children are being gunned down in schools, women are being forced into sex trafficking, millions are being displaced or fleeing the violence in their homelands, and the threats of terror and violence are making people afraid to go about their daily lives. It is probably human nature to question the why of it all and want God to explain and answer why he would allow such atrocities to happen. We must put the blame for it all on SOMEONE.

It occurs to me that my generation is probably not the first generation to say the world has become a cold and hopeless place, how will humanity survive, what possible future can my child have in a world like this? We are seeing a lot of evil right now all around, but the generation before us dealt with the Cold War, Vietnam and segregation, and the one before that with World War II, and the one before that with the Great Depression, and the one before that with World War I, and the one before that with the Spanish-American War, and the one before that with the Reformation period and the one before that the Civil War — I could keep listing, going on and on, backward over the decades to list the tragedies and travesties that have been plaguing humanity since time began, not just here in the United States but across the globe.

These words of Eber’s followed by my thoughts from over a year ago strike me as being relevant today. May we continue to try to be people of peace and light in a world that is struggling and dark. As long as we have faith, hope, and love we can each in our own ways make this world a better place. Our God sits on the throne, and he will conquer all evil. The battles are being waged, but the war is already won.

Dear brothers and sisters in Paris, may the God of Light fill you with comfort and wrap each of you in his loving arms. In the days and weeks to come may you begin to feel his healing balm in your lives. As the apostle Paul said in Ephesians, Stand firm! We must stand firm in our faith and stand firm in the promises of God. Horrible things happen at the hands of other men, but God is the great Physician. Turn to him, let his healing begin to wash over the streets of Paris tonight.

Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and you healing shall spring up quickly; your vindicator shall go before you, the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. – Isaiah 58:8 (NSRV)

Weighty Battles

September 13, 2015February 3, 2017 Shannon Martin1 Comment

This past weekend was an awesome weekend spent on a retreat. It was the starting place of the next great chapter in my spiritual journey. So much took place, my mind is still processing it all. I will be writing more on that later after things have percolated a little bit longer. This afternoon I need to focus on another train of thought.

What I realized this afternoon is that the evil one’s darts come quickly and his attacks can come at a moments notice. This is not new information, or even a new revelation for me. It did manage to creep up on me with absolutely no warning though. My guard was down, which is never a good thing. I was catching up on Facebook because I was offline for the most part while retreating. And that is when I saw it.

It was a picture filled with wonderful, God seeking people. The joy of a wonderful weekend spent together forging lasting connections is evident on each precious face. And then BAM! The darts begin to fly. I find myself extremely opposed.

The attack is fierce, its aim perfectly tailored for me. I am immediately distracted from all of the good of the weekend and immediately focused on the image of myself in that picture. He holds back no punches as his darts hammer into my brain directing my eyes to my form and whispering”look at that giant blob in the picture.” Look at that person! How can anyone take her thoughts seriously? She obviously doesn’t even take herself seriously or she wouldn’t be so disgustingly obese. She needs to find some self-respect and a lap band. The object of these cruel and vicious thoughts is the woman in purple in the front row. Me.

In my mortification, the evil one now begins to use me as a weapon of destruction towards myself. I blindly start to reach out to someone, anyone, that will validate that incredibly chubby woman in that picture is not me. Enter Maximus, bless his little heart! I show Maximus the picture that is now evoking feelings of worthlessness and ask him, “Why am I always the biggest person in every picture? It doesn’t make sense! Why am I that large? I try so hard to eat right! Why do I always look like the only large person in every single picture? Do you see any other bigger people? ” Not my finest moment, I will admit. I am trying to console myself by trying to identify someone else so that I am not the only one lost and alone. His response? Priceless. “Well, not as big a you….” and then utter silence as his eyes grew very large and very round “…..I mean not as cuddly as you!” Followed by intense giggling.

He quickly tries to make amends by saying, “it’s not funny as in haha funny, but funny as in I can’t believe I said that funny.” Followed by five more minutes of uncontrollable laughter. At that point I realized how quickly the evil one strikes. I am confessing all of this freely to anyone that will take the time to read it. In my human weakness, to cover up my own inadequacies and shame, I tried to lash out by looking for physical imperfection in others to make myself feel better. My petty, weak thoughts a result of my own brokeness intent on tearing down another precious creation of our loving God hoping to make myself feel better. Reverse body shaming at it’s finest. My hypocrisy abounding.

I refuse to be used as the evil one’s number one weapon against myself anymore. After asking God to help me, he showed me how far I have come by placing positive thoughts in my head to replace the negative ones. So if you have stuck with me this far through my low, celebrate some of my triumphs in this battle of the bulge with me now.

Since writing my initial post about my weight struggles I have become ten pounds lighter. That is nothing to sneeze at! It is only the beginning of a long journey, but a weighty one. I shed the equivalent of a large sack of potatoes or a small Thanksgiving turkey or two bags of sugar.

I am also winning the battle in my struggle with carbonated beverages. Although still unclear on what I will drink going forward, I am proud to proclaim that it has been over a week since I have consumed a diet soda. Water, ice tea, and coffee have been my beverages of choice. Truth be told, I could really go for a Dr. Pepper 10 right now.

This summer marked another incredible first for me. I participated in a 5K Color Run and finished it!!! Along with my mother and son. Such an awesome achievement shared with two of my greatest supporters! God has indeed been faithful to me as he leads me in my healthier life style pursuit.

Yoga is next on my list of physical firsts to try. Another blessing that has come out of the wonderful retreat this past weekend. Perhaps there will even be a picture or two of that eventually.

Spiritual Warfare is real. In moments of great spiritual awakening the army of darkness will strike to distract you from the purpose you were created for. They do not play fair. They will exploit any human weakness they can get at you with. Not because they are out to get you. They could care less about you. The army of darkness attacks because the evil commander’s goal is to destroy our heavenly Father. We are all beloved children of God.

Continue to move forward firm in your faith. Your Father in heaven loves you, just as he loves me. He sees us as his perfect creations. We are enough. We are good. We are flawless. If you still have doubts of about this (okay, so maybe I am still trying to make sure I feel better about myself as a daughter of the almighty King of creation) you need look no further than the recent new release by the group MercyMe. It says it all, flawlessly (I couldn’t resist! lol):

I can’t promise that I won’t become discouraged as I continue to move forward with my weight loss struggles. However, I can say with the utmost confidence that my Father in heaven delights in me exactly as I am. He is my strength, my salvation, and my shield. When the darts of evil attack me he will protect me always. I am safe and secure in the arms of my Savior, Christ Jesus.

Little children, you are from God, and have conquered them; for the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. – 1 John 4:4, NRSV